When You are the Offender

 As Christians, even when we are the offender in the equation, we should want to respond to the hurt we have caused others in a way that honors God. To do that, we must first realize that all of us have the potential to hurt people in word or deed (1 Corinthians 10:12). And that hurt is not always due to our active involvement. We can also hurt people by being passive, that is, not speaking or acting when we can and should. 

When a fellow believer approaches you about you hurting him/her…

• Seek to not quickly react in anger (Proverbs 14:29; James 1:19-20).

Blowing up on someone or becoming defensive are two common manifestations of anger that hinder a person’s ability, or even willingness, to resolve hurt. 

• Fully hear the person out before responding (Proverbs 18:13) and acknowledge their feelings about and perspective of the issue. Remember: acknowledgement doesn’t necessarily mean agreement. 

• Calmly ask clarifying questions and, if needed, correct any misconceptions or discrepancies about the situation (Proverbs 15:1).  

• Humbly accept responsibility and apologize for the mistake you made or ask for forgiveness for the sin you committed against him/her. Don’t deflect (Genesis 3:12-13).  

• Don’t deny it. 

Denial is an attempt to conceal (Proverbs 28:13). Denying the wrong we’ve done in an effort to save face or protect ourselves from feeling guilty or ashamed will only prolong the hurt and prevent reconciliation from taking place.

• If you hear that a fellow believer has a grievance against you, go to him or her and try to resolve the issue (Matthew 5:23-24).

• See the offended person as family and not as an enemy (note the familial language in Matthew 5:23-24).

• Be patient (1 Corinthians 13:4a). 

Forgiveness can be extended in a moment, but restoration (of the closeness or any other relational dynamic) may take time. 

• Once you have sought to make peace, be at peace and move forward.  

You are not responsible for people’s responses. 

When You have been Offended

• Acknowledge the hurt.

You are not any less spiritually mature for acknowledging that someone hurt you. 

• Pray to God about the hurt.

• Process the hurt in community with other mature/wise believers (Proverbs 11:34). 

• Forgive the hurt (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Realize that the offense(s) that someone has committed against us doesn’t even begin to compare to the offenses we have committed against God (Matthew 18:21-35).

• Establish healthy boundaries based on wisdom, not bitterness or anger (John 2:23-25). 

Adjust how you relate to them.

Separation can sometimes be the best way to preserve peace (Genesis 13:8-9).